One night during a curfew-enforced lockdown, I learned how to fuck myself. And I did it pretty well. My only regret is that I didn’t record it.
The idea of self-fucking has always been intriguing to me. And the sight of a good self-fuck in porn was strangely irresistible. For me, no solo jack-off video could ever compete with the sight of a man’s cock, bent and wrapped around his taint, pushing and rubbing inside his ass, sometimes even to completion. As someone who identifies as vers (no, really, I’m vers), the challenge of having both at the same time without having to awkwardly arrange a threesome couldn’t go unmet.
But it wasn’t until the 2020 Panorama, living single and alone in my studio, did I think to give this godly form of self-love a try. But where does one even start?
There are three things I wish I knew before starting my self-fucking journey: 1) It’s not easy, 2) You probably will fail on your first attempts, and 3) You are not alone. The third one might sound strange, but scroll through the r/selffuck/ subreddit and you’ll quickly discover an online community of men devoted to fucking themselves in solidarity and support of one another. You’ll find a ton of hot inspiration, as well as tips and tricks from experts (they make it look so easy!). Even more, you’ll find posts by men detailing their failures during their journey, and the sheer nirvana reached after finally being able to breed themselves.
Going through all the literature, there are three rules that all the experts seem to agree on. The first rule of the self-fuck is to start flaccid. The last thing you should ever try to do is bend a throbbing cock. Ever tried to bend a cucumber? Yeah, this will end in regret. But it’s harder than it sounds since it’s kind of like telling yourself to get soft before sex. There will be a time to get hard, but the first order of business is getting your cock around to your ass, and you can only do this when you’re soft.
The second rule is cut your nails. I’m not going to get too into detail here. You can imagine the damage done to a pretty hole if you keep those claws sharp. There will be a lot of action and friction between your fingers, ass, and cock on your first attempts so please, no sharp objects! The last rule is relax and be patient. If you treat this like a sprint rather than a marathon, you may never get to experience the bliss of cumming inside yourself.
Did you fail your first time and feel like giving up? Go back to the subreddit and look for advice. Or watch instructional videos from the masters. Try different positions (on your back, on a chair, and even straddling a bathtub are said to be the best methods for beginners). And of course, use lots of lube.
Because one day, your cock will just slip right into your ass and you’ll never go back to a dry hand shuffle again. Self-fucking is a superpower. On the same level as autofelatio and being able to take two dicks at once. It takes practice. And it took me five full attempts before I could give myself a creampie. I wonder what my baby will look like.