Gayer Homes & Gardens: Genteel Lifestyle Advice for Homosexuals and Those Who Want to Live Like One

As we embark upon a new year, new us, have you even flipped your mattress yet, or are you still lying in the indentations of 2020?

We’re halfway through the first month of the year and I feel as if I’ve barely even made a dent in my bi-annual chores! What’s that? You don’t have lists of chores broken down by daily/weekly/monthly/quarterly/bi-annually/and yearly? What a pigsty you must live in.

For those of us civilized homosexuals, the start of the year means a few things. An utter lack of anything to look forward to until daylight saving time begins March 14. A much busier gym than at any other time of the year. And the chores that we must accomplish in order to keep the furniture purchased with two incomes, no kids, in tip-top shape.

Flipping the couch cushions is, of course, a weekly chore, but how often do you flip your mattress? Or at the very least, rotate it 180 degrees. That kind of thing is vital to get the most life out of the place you spend the most time‚and hopefully have the most fun! (Flipping or rotating is also a way to get a little extra life out of a listless sexual partner, too, for what that’s worth.)

After wrestling your Casper into place and remaking the bed, you’ll probably crave the comfort of sitting down with your feet up. This is the perfect position in which to sort through your spices! Since most are at their best for just a year—like fuck buddies—choosing an annual day to toss out the old and list out the new is an easy way to make sure your cinnamon sticks are never tasteless.

What is tasteless is carting around a key ring with floppy plastic membership cards affixed to it. Stop that! A lot of places use phone numbers in addition to bar codes now, so take a moment to log-in to your accounts at those stores, update your profile, and then toss those things in the trash.

And finally, for god’s sake, clean your remotes. Have you ever cleaned them? Not even during the early days of the pandemic, when some of us were boiling our keys? (You should also boil your keys, scissors, and nail clippers). Think about all of the fingerprints from people you’re no longer friends with that you’ll remove! Unless you’re saving them for an elaborate, Gone Girl-esque con, in which case you should be writing this column.

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