Forget Self-Care! Learn to Self-Suck Instead

If you take one more bubble bath you'll permanently prune, your candles are all as burned out as you are, and you're drowning under weighted blankets. As the weather turns colder, why not get an early start on a 2021 resolution.?

Second-wave blues are fuckin’ wack. To combat it, I’ve been trying to engage with my sensuality more. I try to do fun things (especially fun sexy things) on my own, just stuff that feels good. Touching my skin. Pissing on myself. Dancing to music in my pup gear. Taking baths.

And yeah, sucking my own cock.

Have you tried this? Everyone has, I’m sure. Even straight dudes admit they’d suck their own cock if they could. Nobody jerks you off better than you, imagine the potential for a blowjob! (For some of you diligent prudes, it might be your first BJ since last March.)

It’s only been the past year or so I’ve been able to dig my tongue around in my piss slit. At most, I’ve gotten my cockhead in my mouth. I’ve been so surprised at what a hot fucking experience it is. Guys love to see you do it. I, myself, love to watch it. There’s something so raunchy and primal about it! And for those of us into mansmells and eating your own precum, boy, do we have a show for you.

We should be sucking our own dicks, my dudes! It’s a perfect solution to the pandemic woes.

I assume my audience is pretty depraved, but here’s some thoughts from a humble beginner if you’ve just never thought about this before.

Do your research
Personal research, baby! Research in your horny little soul. Everybody is different, and what works for one person might not work for you. Get creative! Get horny. Get kinky! That’s really how you’re gonna get into this. For some, it might take a lot of personal permission to let yourself do something like this, or even try! I’m gonna say wanting it and enjoying it is 90 percent of the battle.


But also, stay smart: You can really injure your neck or back pushing this too hard, too fast. As you’re grunting around in your bedroom trying to jizz in your own mouth, let your personal research also include listening to where things might hurt, or feel too strained. Your body will tell you when it has had too much, and you can, in fact, push past that feeling. You don’t have to take the first exit, but keep track of how many miles ya got til the next gas station. You feel me? Nobody wants to end up in the hospital because you were bored and tried some sex thing.

Commit to the Succ
If you’re not über flexible, this might be a long term goal for you! I know it was for me. Hilariously, when it comes to my personal health and wellbeing, daily stretches are something I could care less about. When it came time to getting better at sucking my own dick, however, it’s been a different story!

Sometimes, playing video games, I just hook my legs behind my head and hang out. Me, with my phone out, the tiny lies I tell myself, and my ass up in the air. It’s not a comfortable position for me yet. Ya gotta get there. Basically, don’t just give up if you can’t deepthroat it on your first try. You’ll be surprised how much closer you’ll get to licking your dick 10 minutes into a bate versus 20 minutes in. Imagine what will happen in a few weeks with practice!

Try As Many Positions As Possible
OK. So you stretched, you’re listening to what feels good, you have some idea of what your body can do. Let’s give this a shot: Remember, creativity!

The “C” Position: Seated at the edge of a chair or couch, spread your legs and bend over, using your hands to hook under your legs to pull your upper body and mouth closer to your dong. Before I got rid of my bate couch, this was my go-to; I found the legs inaccessible, so I would hook my hands on the bottom part of the couch near the ground and pull. That worked.

The “Serpent”: Maybe gravity is too much, or you don’t have the right chair for the “C.” No problem, lie on your side. Hooking your arms around your bum/upper thighs, pull your upper body down until you can reach your own cock.

“P” Shape: Basically the “Serpent” but standing up. This one I still can’t get.

“Plow”: Another widely recommended posish for beginners, using gravity to help you. Lying on your back, bring your legs up over your head and with your feet together, folding your body in half. The weight here of the legs pushing the body down helps bring your cock closer to your face. For an assist, walk your feet down a wall behind you. Some people also find bending the legs at the knees and coming more into a ball shape really helpful.

“X” Shape: This one is apparently for experts, but I found it the easiest? This is the pretzel a lot of us are probably familiar with. Lying or sitting, the legs come over the head with assistance from the arms, perhaps the feet crossing behind your head. You can use your arms in all kinds of ways in this position, so it offers a lot of variety. You can pull on your legs like forklift steering levers, or you can intertwine them with your legs and pull on your ass. There’s all kinds of leverage you can get, lots of variety here.

Use Supports
Just like pulling in different places helps in certain positions, you’ll find that certain positions work better on a hard surface or a soft surface, depending on your shape. A pillow behind your back, a pillow under your ass, putting your back against the wall, all of these things can make a major difference, depending. Mess around.

Work Hard, Play Hard
The physical discomfort can be a distraction or a frustration at first. Unsurprisingly, it might be hard to stay hard. Cool, cool. Pop a nice cock ring on. Shit, pop a Viagra. This should be fun, so give yourself a hand. Spend some time with your boner. (The cock ring actually helps a lot, since it kinda pulls the dick and balls up to your mouth and gives a little extra length.)

Give it a shot y’all. I believe in you. Believe in yourself. Go forth, and succ thine own cocks. That’s the kind of self care I wanna see in 2021.

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