Jack Ciattarelli, the Republican running to be governor of New Jersey Governor, recently declared at a gun range that if elected, he plans to roll back the LGBTQ curriculum.Â
We haven’t been in school for a while, so we were unaware that homosexuality has its own course load! Luckily, we reached out to that bridge and tunnel guy we met at Pony Tail Disco (we couldn’t get tickets to Horse Meat Disco) and he tracked down a copy of what the LGBTQ curriculum in New Jersey consists of.
There are the usual courses, of course. Literature comes equipped with a reading list heavy on Twilight and The Joy of Gay Sex, and a smattering of Truman Capote, Jackies Collins and Susann, and the complete Season 1 scripts for Glee. And math focuses heavily on making 6 inches into 8 inches, while also teaching the weight ranges for different groups. How much does a bear weigh, you ask? You wouldn’t if you’d taken your gay maths.
But LGBTQ is also heavily focused on gym, with lesbians focusing on golf and tennis while the boys spend most of the period taking selfies in mirrors and languidly toweling off.
There’s also a surprisingly intense home ec, including how to mix and match appetizers and La Croix, how to make boneless, skinless chicken breasts palatable, and the correct ratio of vodka to soda, while the lesbians learn woodworking and basic engine maintenance. One semester is dedicated to wigs and costumes, in an effort to prevent any more runway disasters on RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Sex completely absent from the syllabus, but that’s not surprising. As we all know, gay men are born knowing how to take a dick and lesbians don’t care.
And of course, LGBTQ curriculum would be incomplete without a course on how to dodge eggs, bricks, and hate speech from people like Ciattarelli. Students are taught how to respond with vicious quips and hilarious memes, which will definitely serve them more memorizing the periodic table of elements.
