If you’ve been online in the past 24 hours, chances are you’ve seen your friends posting their (admittedly psychotic) 2020 Spotify Wrapped playlists, stats, and screengrabs. This dude I fucked on a roof this summer had over 7k hours of listening to Taylor Swift. One of his friends had over 16k hours of Swift. Many of us—and here we will name no names—had our top 5 songs as a Chromatica Sweep. I noticed some trends.
2020 was a lot of things—disturbing, distressing, depressing, isolating. It shows. Some of y’all have old James Blake and SZA in your Top 5s. I’d ask who hurt you, but we all know. But there were some great moments for music, and things that brought us together—well, some of us. And they were all weirdly… pink? It was a big year for pink in music. Hear me out.
Plastic Hearts Miley Cyrus
OK, so this didn’t make it onto any playlists that I saw. But I bet it’s on there for some of you. Personally, I’ve had this goddamn gift from above playing constantly. Constantly! I rub my pussy to Miss Miley and Joan Fucking Jett moaning into distorted mics. I love the country baddgirl vibes. I love the complete lushness of it all. I laughed, I cried, I choreographed an 8 count of interpretive dance. Don’t tell anyone.
It’s also just incredible fan service. Everyone was screaming for this. The gays basically manifested it. Miley is a fucking legend, and thank God she put her nuts out there on the table. Good for you Miley. Good for all of us. A perfect way to wrap 2020.
Hot Pink Doja Cat
If Miley was a late comer, Doja was an early starter. This November 2019 release kept sluts like me shaking their asses all winter long in 2020. And did you see that VMA performance? What a talent. What an entertainer.
TikTok is now the proving ground for music, I guess—but we’re fine with that, for the most part. Nobody wants to admit loving any one of those little audio clips, but I think “Say So” is an exception to that rule. You can’t hate that dance, either! That shit is fire. If you can do that, by the way, put that shit on your résumé. Put it on your business card. Also teach me?
Fetch The Bolt Cutters Fiona Apple
This is technically purple, but music and colors are subjective, so bite me.
When April came around, I think all of us were a little freaked out and pissed off. Luckily, none of us are as seething with beautiful rage as Fiona Apple. She does that for us.
With its insane loose collection of found object percussion and spat-through-the-teeth lyrics, Apple breaks down the bully and the bullied in all of us. Just thinking about this album gets me pissed off. If I wore bras, I would take it off, burn it, and scream at the top of my lungs. I might just have to go fetch one so I can live that experience before the year ends.
Fine Line Harry Styles
Alright. We’ll include an ally.
The album cover is pink as fuck, and so is the lyrical content. So are the dollars, I think, but maybe that’s another story. (I’ve never figured out if any of us are being queer baited here, but I’m OK with that ride.)
Mr. Styles is a class fucking act, a legendary hottie, and an incredible voice. More hot dudes in dresses. I’m totally cool with it.
These jams are fun, expansive, and they have that cool summer vintage feel to it. It was a welcome distraction in a year full of shit.
Future Nostalgia Dua Lipa
This is another star owing it all to Tik Tok tweens and homosexuals. Did you learn the “Don’t Start Now” dance? Did you tap your little wrist and flash eboy grins at your front-facing camera? Did you do those little zig zags with your arms? Most likely.
But damn, this album hits. What a sophisticated second release for this artist. I felt like a grown ass woman putting my heart back together every time I listened to these breakup jams. It’s an enormous pain in the ass none of us got to dance in clubs to this mess.
Yummy Justin Bieber
Look. I didn’t say that all of these albums unified us for good reasons. I think we were all pretty uniformly ??? about this whole release.
It wasn’t, but that music video sure looked like it was filmed during the pandemic: anemic, joyless, and strange, Justin looks lonely and sad. And then he was basically begging people to go stream his single? Calling his fans and telling them to just play it over and over again. That’s…. a grassroots movement, I suppose.
And OK, I do admit I listened to this song a lot unironically. That’s what expensive ear-worms do, though. It’s also pink like a, er, worm, so it had to go on the list.
Tickets to My Downfall Machine Gun Kelly
Let’s just get the straights out of the way.
Machine Gun Kelly is just hot as fuck. I mean so is Justin, but still. Tattooed boys in all pink uniforms? I guess this is a thing? Also, he was a rapper and pivoted to pop punk? That’s so Miley. Just another bit of weirdness 2020 brought us that I’m perfectly OK with. You really can’t make that up. You can, however, listen to his music and Google pics of him nude. That’s a highly recommended practice.
If you wanna see him get kinda dommed by girlfriend Megan Fox, pink ducktape and everything, check out the “Bloody Valentine” music video. We won’t judge if you enjoy.
The Album Blackpink
Kpop stans literally terrify me, just like the barbz. Maybe it’s all the pink?
What a year for kpop though. Remember when those enthusiastic little TikTok tweens ruined a trolly-ass Trump rally in Tulsa by reserving all the tickets? We don’t deserve this level of savagery from a bunch of dancing, abandoned gen z creatives, and yet…!
PLUS: They make a huge stamp on our next pink pick as a feature:
Chromatica Lady Gaga
Gaga is the only artist to inspire her own entirely fictional government where it is illegal to be straight.
Seriously, people joked about this summer being called the Summer of Chromatica, but I lowkey think it was.
I’ll never forget the second weirdest VMA performance of my lifetime, streaming online and in a bizarre format (though shot only a couple miles away from my apartment).
The memes, the pure gayness, the dance album everyone was begging her to return to. This album was a gift to the pink in all of us. Let’s hope it’s still in vogue for next year’s Chromatica Ball. I’ll be in my jockstrap.
Show Pony Orville Peck
2020 gave us Gay Cowboy Realness. What Gaga failed to deliver in a pink cowboy hat, Orville Peck slammed out of the gosh dang ballpark. (Still taking bets on whether or not Gaga sings “Million Reasons” at Joe Bidens [Hopeful] Inauguration.
This EP was a delightful little treat as a late-summer release. Every once in a while, it felt like I couldn’t go on this year. Then, out of nowhere, a game, a TV show, or an album would pop up like a watering hole. This little book of ballads was one of those watering holes. God bless Orville Peck. If you listen to one song today, please, make it Orville’s cover of “Fancy” (Reba, not Iggy).
WAP Cardi B, Megan Thee Stallion
Those females are strong as hell.
This is the one. This is the one! This song brought so many people so much joy in really ugly times. New York City’s heart, back, and air conditioning was broke. People protesting in the streets, people dancing, people walking down the street, people driving slow through the neighborhood with the subwoofers—everybody was blasting this shit. I think this revived a lot of people. I was one of them.
Plus, as a pornographer, we have to stan the sex positive message for young women and vagina owners. Sex is supposed to feel good! Sex is supposed to be fun! It’s not all about making your man nut. Sorry, Ben Shapiro: Your pussy should get wet. And you can use your sex as fucking power. Hell yes.
That’s what I saw at protests this year, people daring to shake their asses, smile, be together, be sexy, be everything the State would have us abandon. That’s power: Daring to be free. Plus, it’s just a great fucking song.
Are we forgetting something? Comment below and let us know. Also, what are some of your favorite pink albums from non-dogshit years?