I can only assume that, after Doctor Tapes, Say Uncle will place their next new site in the world of the DMV. Because that’s the only place inherently boring enough to warrant inclusion in one of their releases.
Not that the men of Doctor Tapes aren’t hot! They are definitely sexy. But as the saying goes, “Show me a hot man and I’ll show you someone who’s sick of looking at him.” Here, it’s more like sick of listening to him. The only thing more laboriously tedious than sitting through a doctor’s appointment with a charisma-challenged physician is watching one unfold before your rapidly deflating dick.
“Well so, uh, I will inspect you. And then I will perform the injection. With my penis. And, uh, you won’t able to cum. You have to keep the testosterone… keep the semen in your body. And uh, we just, we just put as much semen inside your body as we can.” —Dr. Johnny Ford
A charisma check may be one of the few things not included in the endless examinations that precede each sex scene. Whether it’s Dr. Jesse Zeppelin making dad jokes during an eye exam with new patient Mark Something—when has a primary care physician ever performed an eye exam?—or Johnny Ford haltingly explaining to Sebastian Hunt, “Well so, uh, I will inspect you. And then I will perform the injection. With my penis. And, uh, you won’t able to cum. You have to keep the testosterone… keep the semen in your body. And uh, we just, we just put as much semen inside your body as we can,” these riffs on authority figures are painfully weak. If I want to fantasize about the power imbalance inherent in these scenarios, feeling sorry for the guy in charge is an automatic boner killer.
But how can you not feel sorry for these guys, undone by harsh lighting (realism has its limits!) and a refusal to edit? If Jesse Zeppelin doesn’t quite shut the door behind him on his exit, then he will return to awkwardly pull the door closed—and we’ll see it all happening in the frame behind Mark, as he’s slowly stripping down to his underwear like a bored, rhythm-challenged Gypsy Rose Lee.
Once the sex gets underway, you can feel the relief in the room. Freed from the shackles of plot and dialogue, the men thrive at getting naked and balls deep in one another. And that makes the earlier insistence on shoddy world-building all the stranger.
The overlapping dialogue here isn’t Robert Altman style; it’s two performers not sure of their cues and powering through regardless. And it stays in! So do the incredibly slow, boring moments, like watching Jack Hunter struggle to don his gown, which increasingly seems like an aesthetic choice from Say Uncle. Maybe this is all like Warhol’s Empire, and we’re meant to find meaning in the absence of action.
But then the talking begins, and we’re far from an absence of action. “Has anyone ever told you you might have a murmur before?” Dr. Zeppelin earnestly asks Mark. Reader, I almost did a spit take because I was unprepared for the edging portion of the video to include a conversation about heart murmurs. (I myself have an innocent murmur, once described as “unquiet.” Are you hard now?)
That’s nothing compared to this howler from “The High Testosterone Shot,” delivered with the unblinkingly flat sincerity of the amateur actor: “Any history of mental illness in your family?”
Perhaps for other viewers that moment just slides by. Maybe other viewers are still getting out the lube, getting comfortable. But this viewer is immediately drawn into the world hinted at by this question casually posed during a sexual health checkup. And mostly, my thoughts converge on one single question: What would the porno look like if the answer were yes?
But that’s not Say Uncle’s style. Too much inherent interest there. Gotta keep it as painfully mundane as possible. Maybe the next release can include a doctor stuck in a traffic jam, doing a telemedicine appointment.