Are you having so much fun? Feeling really in the holiday spirit? Yeah, us too. I, for one, have never felt more happy to be alive, grateful for everything and everyone around me, and just really in the XXXmas spirit! And what do you do when you have an excess of holiday spirits? Sleep it off! Or bake cookies. Here are some ideas for this particular holiday season. And remember: You can do as much or as little as you want with the one thing you have energy for today. Don’t push it. Really, all you need is the right shape and a cookie dough that won’t spread!
The Tired Frontline Worker
Here, score some fine lines beneath the eyes to show the wear, the lack of pay, and the imminent risk of harm to which corporations are subjecting their employees for a profit. For those showing off with colored icings, consider making the worker at your favorite place for holiday bargains. Some green and black would be great for the poor Starbucks baristas.
Crying Gingerbread Man Who Lost His Job
Piping on the details will sell just who this miserable, unemployed piece of shit is. Look at him, undignified, crying in front of his kids! Liberal snowflake! Why is he choosing to be out of work and broke? Speaking of which…
Here, a standard snowflake cutter can easily be modified, and a liberal squeeze of reducing completes the nightmare! For those of you familiar with the star-shaped Japanese candies Konpieto, this is a great chance to utilize them as sprinkles to really jazz up your probably-exhausted-and-who-really-cares icing job. With them, even someone with clinical, seasonal, and situational depression can manage! Of course, you have to order those online. And maybe there’s some weird international shipping thing and you won’t get them until Spring 2048. But it is worth a shot! Or you can give your money to Jeff Bezos, which is really more in the spirit of things.
World’s Oldest President
Here’s one for the overachivers among you experimenting with icing floods. We want to get a nice, royal blue for that iconic Biden suit with the red tie. Plus, you’ll need to color the facial details into some kind of ancient skull. Our photo is only a suggestion! Use your imagination, although that’s asking a lot these days.
Again, do as much or as little as you want, just like the United States government! Just Google a check format, but know you’re passing up a chance to use the calligraphy skills you no doubt spent a couple thousand to acquire with your liberal arts degree. This is perfect for those of you who think quarantine is boring, and are hosting holiday parties with your totally not sick friends: write their names on individual cookies! Be sure to take a photo of the completed cookies, to make contact tracing easier afterward. (Note: Before handing these out, find out in a casual manner if your friends actually got their stimulus checks. Sensitivity is very important!)
The Green New Deal
Again, colored icing really sells the flames burning up the last hope we, any of us, have here on this planet. If you only have time to do two cookies, this pairs well with the World’s Oldest President as a great conversation starter should you end up spending the holidays with your neoliberal parents. They voted against Trump, so everything is OK—but you know how we faggots love to kick the hornet’s nest when everything has settled down.
A Dreidel *But All the Sides are ש)
Go ahead! Spin again! Vote! Wear a mask! I’m sure it will all work out. Why not make a dreidel where every side says you lose. Throw some money in the pot! Throw all of it in the pot, don’t worry, the vaccine is gonna be free.
Here, you’ll need a nice black for the icing, and something for a threatening mirror glaze that reflects your unsure face back at you. A nice white flood of icing will do well for the body of the camera, though maybe try a silver edible spray paint to give it a lifeless “Cops for President” vibe.
Some things never change, and coronavirus or no, all of us will be thinking about sitting on a jolly old white man and telling him what we want this winter. You got this one.
We know these will jolly up even the driest old Scrooge! If you decide to turn any of these into real cookies, please show us your handiwork and tag us @thegaygoods on Twitter!