While we wait to see if Donald Trump is staging a coup (or more likely that Republicans surrounding him misread his inability to make a coherent choice and assumed a coup is underway), we can rest assured that one burning question has been answered:
First Lady Melania Trump will not only decorate the White House for Christmas—she’ll do it joyfully. Godammit.
Don’t trust any website but the original https://t.co/o2trpoXMJd. @FLOTUS looks forward to once again opening the People’s House for Christmas. It’s an annual tradition that she’s enjoyed designing since June. The décor will be showcased & celebrated across the country in Dec!
— Stephanie Grisham (@StephGrisham45) November 13, 2020
It was just over a month ago that word first leaked that Melania might not have the most festive of spirits when it comes to holiday decor. That was when Anderson Cooper played a secretly taped conversation between Melania Trump and her former friend and advisor, Stephanie Winston Wolkoff. On it, the First Lady is heard complaining about having to decorate the White House for Christmas—her holiday choices now make a lot more sense—but she never comes right out and says what she’d rather be doing. Luckily, The Gay Goods obtained the full recording, and we’re able to share an exclusive list of the things FLOTUS goes on to say she’d rather do than “give a fuck about the Christmas stuff and decorations.”
1.) Continue work on her secret tunnel, the one that leads from the East Wing to Pennsylvania Avenue.
2.) Eat a gem lettuce salad, but make it full-flavor on her cheat days by using actual gems.
3.) As a proud member of Slovenia’s Society for the Recognition of Roasted Potatoes as a Distinct Dish, serve on the planning committee for the annual World Roast Potato Festival.
4.) File her nails.
5.) File her taxes.
6.) File the bars on her window.
7.) Zoom with her divorce attorney.
8.) Sit down with her Duolingo Russian language course.
9.) Hold her husband’s hand.