It started so simply. I wanted to write a piece about the very gay Dangerous Minds. You know, the ’90s blockbuster starring Coolio and 12 very bad teen actors. Remember? There’s Michelle Pfeiffer at her butchy best, draped in leather jackets and unbridled switch energy. Smoldering!
But I was so distracted with how much worse this film is than I remembered! We really all got sucked into one fantastic Coolio song and totally misremembered history. The treacly soundtrack, the plotlines that go nowhere, the lack of a graduation scene. One kid dies and they don’t even show it. What gives? But anyway—yeah, Dangerous Minds is way gayer than you remember.
Exhibit Gay: Every woman is dressed like Queen Latifah, and sounds like her too.
“Yo teach, don’t make me bust ya lip! You got smooth skin and some porcelain hips!”
This classroom is all studs, baby, and honestly they make the whole movie. This actor in particular has a never-ending well of charm and is a pretty decent actor. The only one, really. Running circles around Miss Michelle, honey.
Exhibit B: Is this The Outsiders? The homoerotic energy between these actors is off the charts.
So this tough one is The Fonz, known gun oil sales rep.
And the other kid could be Scott Baio. I literally would believe you if you told me that.
Anyway, half the plot is about how much this sub wants to get dommed, but it’s dressed up in a very thin plot about revenge. I watched this movie twice to get ready for this article, and I still can’t tell you why they’re mad at each other.
Second-tier Sharon Stone aka Michelle Pfeiffer believes in them, though, so I guess that’s like, heartwarming, or whatever.
Exhibit C: This principal is deeply closeted, which is apparent from his impeccable dress, perfect elocution, and his hatred of women. He makes a girl leave the school because she’s pregnant! And he dresses down poor Michelle at every turn. The gay villain is a tired trope, but Courtney B. Vance’s (gay name) portrayal is fucking Xanax. Always love to see a Black man shine, but he simply did not try!
Exhibit D: This teacher is gay. Throughout the movie we hear him talk about his wife, his family, etc. But we never see any of them, because he buried them in P-Town. He has a friendly, asexual relationship with total babe Ms. Pfeiffer, and is the first known bear in existence. Remember when bears weren’t a thing? That was weird. I like bears and they are my type…I want to fuck this teacher. I think that’s why this article was written tbh.
Bonus: Gay waiter.