Even with Pennsylvania going blue and the Senate getting awfully close to Democratic control, the most surprising victory of the 2020 election was undeniably handed to Fantasy Island Bookstore, the next-door neighbor to the Trump campaign’s much-maligned Saturday press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping.
But while they did a brisk business and garnered national attention, their friendly competitor the Condom Shack was a metaphorical ghost town. Located just a few doors down, the Shack, as it is affectionately known by its now-faithless clientele, was just far enough away that it didn’t receive a single press mention or customer.
“We always do a pretty robust business on Saturdays, and at first it seemed pretty normal,” said store owner Vicki Pressler. “I was smoking a cigarette outside—I’m trying to quit but I have to keep some treats for myself, you know?—and at first, I was a little surprised to see so many of our regulars all arrive at once in the parking lot. I just assumed it had been a stressful week, and they needed to blow off steam. Then I saw them all get out of their cars and walk right down the street to Four Seasons, which is right next to Fantasy Island. That’s when I thought, ‘Uh-oh, Vicki, this is gonna be a real shitshow.'”
Perhaps intimidated by the throng of reporters who eventually stashed their vans in her parking lot, very few of Ms. Pressler’s regulars made their way into her store, which, in addition to books, DVDs, and toys aimed at adults, includes several viewing booths, where men can enjoy a scene or two away from home.
“First business took a real hit with this pandemic, and now this?” Ms. Pressler said, her tone weary. “I’m just trying to make a living as a small business owner, and this administration has just fucked me every which way. That’s actually one of our most popular titles: Fuck Me Every Which Way. It’s on Channel 51 in the buddy booths—been in rotation for a few years now, but every time I try to swap it out for something else, I get complaints.”
Ms. Pressler estimates that she lost 40-60 customers on Saturday, between the press conference and the sudden draw to Fantasy Island, with its new aura of national fame bringing new customers every few minutes to be on site for the last-gasp effort of an administration flailing like a catfish on the deck of a boat.
“I guess one nice upside,” Ms. Pressler said between drags on her Salem 100, “is that I saved a bundle on bleach and paper towels. Usually it’s stickier than a cum dump bottom at the end of June back there, so it has been nice to not be mopping all day. Plus I got to catch up on my TV. Finally finished Dexter. Man, the only ending worse than this administration’s is that series finale! I guess you could say it was just a big nothing of a day. I’m ready for a new one.”
Seventy-five million voters across the country agree.
