All The (Scientific) Fun That’s Inside Cum

I remember the first time I came. It was in the bathroom; I had been beating off for such a long time. I knew that a) I was supposed to somehow make semen, and b) it involved stimulating myself. But I had no idea how long or even what it was supposed to feel like. So, when after fifteen solid minutes of furious masturbating I suddenly shot out thick ropes of white cum, I was honestly taken aback while still finishing my orgasm.

Since then, I have been an unashamed lover of cum. From my first boyfriend onward I am obsessed with men shooting their loads on my face, letting it drip down my neck and all over my waiting tongue. But why? The taste is strange and variable, it’s a bitch to clean out of your pubes—particularly if you’re in the shower, ironically enough—and unless you’re really good, you cannot control the trajectory terribly well (unless, you know… you’re inside.) On top of all of that, its key function (to transfer genetic material) is superfluous in my sex life as a gay man.

It’s because cum is a bizarre mixture of chemicals that, as a chemistry major, I find it supremely fascinating and beautiful. “Beautiful” may seem an odd word when I start extrapolating on what makes up the milky mana, but I urge you to embrace the awe inspiring inner-chemistry that makes up this strange stuff that fills up our lives.

RELATED LINK: Shut the Fuck Up and Breed Me

Four different types of glands produce the components of cum:

• Bulbourethral (Cowper’s) and the urethral (glands of Littre) glands: these glands are the producers of pre-cum, basically the lubricant and an acid neutralizer. Its composed of a sugar (galactose) and mucus. This is what gives semen a jelly-like consistency. 
• Seminal vesicles: the seminal vesicles basically help feed the sperm cells using the sugar fructose. Fructose (commonly found in fruits) is what can make sperm taste sweet to some. Alongside fructose, there’s also a collection of amino acids, flavins, enzymes and citrate to help keep the sperm cells healthy. This is a majority of what makes up the (…heh) load.
  

  A 3-D model of the fructose molecule (American Chemical Society)

• Prostate: a well-massaged prostate is one of life’s great pleasures. The prostate gives us a combination of enzymes, antigens, acid phosphatase and zinc. Zinc is the real hero of the mix as it stabilizes a core compound in sperm cells: DNA. It even has some antigens to help the semen de-coagulate after shooting. No matter what your aim is though, getting a good prostate massage is superb.
• Testes: And of course the testes contain: SPERM! 200-500 million of these swimmers. But because sperm is only one component of semen, that’s why people can still shoot powerful loads even if they have a vasectomy. Although I love the imagery of a heavy set of balls meaning you need to release, it is sadly not the case. (But don’t let these facts get in the way of a good fantasy.)

Clusters of sperm underneath a microscope (Science News)

Taste Versus Smell

“But John”, I hear you say. “Cum has sugar in it, but why does it smell a bit weird like fish?” Well, nameless friend, one of the interesting things about cum is that it is basic—as in alkali.

Cum has a pH of 7.2-8.0, the average alkalinity of the human body. If you were engaging in penetrative sex with the goal of getting someone pregnant, cum’s pH is super important for successful seeding. That’s because uteruses are acidic, it’s a defense mechanism. So cum is able to neutralize some of this acid in the semen and allow sperm to reach its destination.

Semen’s pH is between 7 and 8, more alkaline than neutral and is displayed on a litmus paper in green. (Water Quality Solutions)

Cum typically will smell like things with similar pH’s like blood, baking soda and fish. As well as that there is some mineral content of salts like magnesium, sodium and calcium which give a metallic and salty smell and taste at times. Sometimes cum can even smell bleachy from this concoction of salts and amino acids, but do not be alarmed: it is still safe to consume and let be injected into you.

But can we make it taste sweeter?

Short answer: no. Long answer: probably not. Pineapple juice has been consistently linked to making sperm taste sweeter. Sadly, there’s not enough evidence consuming fruit with high fructose content like pineapple, oranges, or kiwi will definitively make cum taste sweeter. Cum already contains fructose, but its through a different pathway in our body. However, what is clear that reducing your meat intake and stopping smoking will improve the taste of cum. 

Why does cum go all hard or clumpy after I shoot?

Cum is designed to coagulate after ejaculation so that it can help with the reproduction. Basically, the longer it’s there, the more likely a sperm will seed an egg. It does de-coagulate after around 15-30 minutes. You are often compelled to pee post-sex, primarily as it removes any excess semen still inside your dick. Although men are less-likely to get urinary tract infections, a lower-tract infection is possible if the urethra is blocked by semen. So, that compulsion is your body guiding you away from that. Thanks, body.

RELATED LINK: In Defense of Internal Cum Shots

In cumclusion

Look, I know I’m a big nerd. You may have read this going “why has John got such a hard-on from goo?” And yes I get a hard-on from goo. And I get a brain-erection from the cool shit that semen is capable of. I’m not a doctor, I’m a chemist, so nothing I write here is medical advice and more a series of fun facts you can throw out during your next hook-up or orgy. It’s been said that every boner is a blessing, and if that’s true, then I’m evangelical about ejaculation.

One day I’ll talk about the cultural legacy of semen, but for now I’d love to hear your thoughts on cum. Do you like a shot to the face or being bred? Are you not a fan at all of it? Tell me in the comments below.

Sources: American Chemical Society, Cleveland Clinic, Human Reproduction, NetDoctor, News-Medical, Science News, VeryWell Health, WebMD