Welcome to the Goon Show

Maybe you've heard about gooning, the method of jerking off that's bringing quarantined gay men together in unity—here's your guide to what it is, how to do it, and if you're already doing it.

If you’ve ever sampled the delights of what I’m gonna call “jerk off porn” online—popper trainers, compilations,—you’ve probably come across what’s quickly becoming a really popular kink, especially now that everybody is locked in their homes and jerking off all the time). 

Gooning. “Gooner penis. Maaasturbate Penus. Fuck.”

“Gooning” kind of encapsulates a lot, but to give a loose definition, it’s a style of edging/state achieved while edging that totally gives in to the uninhibited use of primal animal energy. We’re talking hypnotic states, dirty talk or chanting (penis babble), purposefully engaging in stupid, exaggerated, or embarrassing shapes with your face (drooling, eyes crossing, tongue sticking out). Basically acting like a monkey at the zoo jerking off. 

There’s all kinds of flavors. For example, that last bit is its own entire thing: monkey bators. It’s pretty much exactly what you’d imagine. Hand under the armpit, hopping around and squatting, making monkey noises, lips describing all kinds of little circular shapes. And that’s just one flavor.  

As another example: Some gooners are more like penis worshippers and get into a religious kind of headspace. This is where the penis babble comes into play. The use of the voice and language here is chant-like, focusing on themes of the cock as a god, or something that controls the person, saying how much they love their penis. 

Some people make penis babble a fetishization of their hypersexuality, leaning into feelings of shame or addiction, or like their need to masturbate takes over them. It’s very Samuel Fucking Beckett. 

While the monkeybator might just be doing the Diddy Kong special combo on repeat, the penis worshipper is giving you tongues: 

Masturbate cock. Worship the penis. Up and down! Up and down! Fuck. Worship the penis. Worship Penis. Penis is my God. Penis is the only thing in my world. BleheuugueaAugh. WUUUUUH. I love you penis. Penis is my God. Penis controls me! I love you penis!! I love you penis!! I LOVE YOU PENIS!!!

Cums everywhere, if they’re allowed to cum or if they still can**

While the content varies depending on the flavor of goon, and while gooning appeals to all kinds of people (straight guys will goon out and jerk off with gay guys, alpha males do it, subs do it, girls in hentai do it, etc), there are some thematic elements that carry across. 

For example, and maybe you’ve noticed by now, there’s a recurring use of biologically correct terms, such as penis, scrotum, testes, sperm, erection. Why is that exciting? I don’t know, but try it, it totally is. Maybe it triggers early associations with health class or the “penis game,” times when the need to jerk off was like a life or death matter. It also emphasizes the biological aspects of sex, which contain seeds of primal urge and need that would fuel your bate. 

But it’s exciting to shake off the normal ways society wants us to act and behave and deny ourselves pleasure. Or politely masturbate. Fuck it. There’s also a degeneration kink involved for some: the idea of becoming dumber while jerking off can be really exciting. And freeing. And problematic, so be careful with how you’re framing this. 

Also, as a word: Be careful with poppers. We should say here that they aren’t “supposed to be sniffed”—right? Also, and nobody talks about this or anything useful in health class, except for how horny the word “penis” is: Poppers mixed with Viagra will kill you. I have to tweet that once a week, because there is always someone who has never heard of that.

Poppers mixed with Viagra will kill you. 

But anyway! See something you like? Check out some porn? Wanna do it with a buddy? There’s all kinds of ways to meet up and find a fellow goon. Bateworld is a pretty good start, but any video chat site will do. And bring it up on Grindr; you’d be surprised how many of your friends are already lowkey into this stuff. 

And I mean I’m a gooner, so if you’re into it look at my Twitter and stuff.

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