REVIEW: The Col. Tom Parker Junior High School Gazette on Tiffany Trump’s Speech

Last night, the Colonel Tom Parker Junior High School Thespian Troupe (Troupe #24601) held its “Speech and Scenes” competition in the cafetorium, complete with social distancing, masks, and an opening song by Homecoming Queen Olivia Hatcher.

But in this critic’s opinion, the whole evening was a disappointment. In fact, it was even more disappointing than the day last semester when the cafeteria promised us pizza for lunch but ended up serving meatloaf for the second day in a row.

In an evening of “poetry slams” and the Howard sisters’ lackluster excerpt from ‘Night Mother, the worst performance was definitely Tiffany Trump’s monologue about her dad being a big supporter of gay rights. Here’s some of it:

Tiffany tried really hard, I guess, but she seemed unsure and confused at the mock podium. For sure Mr. Malone would never let her be that sloppy during Debate Club, but since Tiffany never bothers to show up to our mock debates, how could she know how to present herself more professionally?

I think Tiffany could have done a better job if she didn’t look so uncomfortable. Her shoulders were really high up under her ears, which says to the audience that she’s tense. And it definitely felt like she had mixed up the pages in her script, or like the writer got confused halfway through. When the character talks about how all of her best friends are gay, why is it her other friends calling out her dad for being homophobic? That part didn’t make sense to me.

Another thing that was embarrassing was when Tiffany didn’t know the words to LGBTQIA+, because that made it sound as if her dad only supported some of those letters and not all of them, and like even Tiffany didn’t really care enough to know what she was saying. But the whole point was that they’ve always supported all of them, right? I don’t know. It was weird.

There were some nice things that happened, though: It’s been a long time since Col. Tom Parker Junior High had a celebrity, but having Marla Maples play herself was really cool. It was way better than the last time a famous person was here, when that one guy escaped from prison and led the cops on a manhunt around the county. And it was nice that Tiffany got to wear her homecoming dress, even though the whole dance got canceled because of the coronavirus that she keeps telling everyone isn’t real.

To be fair, though, I did like it when Sarah Towns performed a monologue from Emily in Paris. Her beret was really cute!

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