Porn parodies like Paradiso Guardian walk an impossible tightrope on their way to success: they have to be both sexy and smart enough (or funny enough, or, well, at least aware enough) of the chosen source material to skewer it. In film, hitting all of that, and then making that porn work in a way that makes the viewer even remotely believe in the parody’s setting in the first place, is difficult. This is why so many porn parodies are just… well, bad.
Now imagine having to walk that tightrope while juggling the flaming batons of programming a well-made video game.
The first boss of Paradiso Guardian is size difference.
Heaven-sent Porn Parody
For some reason, that’s the task (sort of) new indie developer Team Lv. 266 chose to gave themselves when they made Paradiso Guardian. Even more shocking then that, they made it to the other side of the balancing act, and only slightly singed in the process.
Paradiso Guardian is a gay porn parody of Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, and even though it doesn’t directly rip off the plot line or world of Castlevania itself, the entire game feel—from mechanics, to layout, to game-play loop—is far more than just a love letter to it’s vampire-filled inspiration. In Paradiso Guardian, you’re Lenga, an angel solider sent to an old castle to cleanse it of its sudden (and extremely muscular) demon infestation. Your dad(dy), Raiden, thinks the mission is too dangerous for you, and tells you to go home—and stealing your equipment if you refuse to listen to him. Twinks never listen, though, and the heroic Lenga marches into the castle alone, determined to complete his mission.
Quick action, hot sex, almost no story (and that’s fine!)
There is no great pathos to Paradiso Guardian, and thank Raiden there isn’t, because there really isn’t room for it. Lenga is just a supernaturally horny twink that happens be really good at punching the shit out of anything that moves, and sometimes that happens to be a fellow scantily clad hot angel (or demon) man that he then has post-battle victory sex with. Everything else of substance in Paradiso Guardian is Symphony of the Night remixed, and it works precisely because it is clear the developers both understood what made the classic Castlevania game fun, and had a really great idea for how to make it a lighter (but still engaging) experience.
And that is a considerable step forward for gay games in general. While I love visual novels—and it’s a whole different conversation to be had on why visual novels are overwhelmingly one of the most satisfying places for gay stories to take place—Paradiso Guardian‘s choice to let its game-play take center stage without sacrificing an ounce of smut or sexuality is both refreshing and a challenge for future developers to step up to. Much like Lenga, this game is as unrepentantly horny as it is just fun to play.
I am surprised by, but not questioning, the choice of uniforms in Heaven’s military.
Balancing genre and sex
Two genres of game roll into one package in Paradiso Guardian. The platforming section, which is the vast majority of the game, is, as discussed, gay Symphony of the Night. After you beat bosses (and if you have the optional “Naughty Angel” mode turned on) the game flips into erotic visual novel mode, with Lenga getting down and dirty with the various dudes he just scuffled with. If Lenga and any of the erotic art seems familiar to you, it’s because he—and many of the members of Team Lv. 266—were apart of 2020’s remarkably successful massage-therapist-dating-sim, Full Service. When you consider how they made the jump from Full Service to Paradiso Guardian so effortlessly—and the fact that much of the Visual Novel aspects of Paradiso Guardian are largely hidden in an optional mode—it’s genuinely impressive how well the pieces of the game-play come together.
Which is not to say that Paradiso Guardian is perfect, or even close to a replacement for Castlevania.
Movement is close-but-not-quite-divine in execution
There is one aspect of the game-play that is decidedly more Bayonetta than Castlevania, and that’s Lenga’s dodge ability. Much like Bayonetta, Lenga can time his forward or backwards dodge to enter a slowed time state. During this, he rapidly recovers MP, allowing him to do massive amounts of damage enemies in short order. Performing unlockable summons will end this state, serving as sort of “combo enders.” It feels great to freestyle attacks in this mode once you know how the pieces fit together.
What feels less great, however, is that the timing and distance required to activate this state is fuzzy at best. I have activated slowed time by accident on several occasions versus attacks I was nowhere near. This might seem like a wonderful problem to have, but the time you spend in the slowed down state is dependent upon a (admittingly, quick refilling) gauge, so if you wanted to use your dodge for it’s movement and accidentally activate the slowed state immediately afterwards because another bullet or attack is within a mile of Lenga, you might just inadvertently nuke your entire gauge for far longer than you mean to. This really matters in some of the more hectic bullet-filled boss fights late game.
I have a simple, one step suggestion for how to get more gays to read.
The (in-game) economy is in shambles
Without going into too many spoilers, it’s pretty easy to break Paradiso Guardian‘s economy and power level once you understand how its shop system works, and this feels like a feature, not a bug. Between item manipulation and the movement power ups that Lenga gets as you progress the game’s main path (as much of a “main path” as a sprawling “vania” style game can have, anyways), the power fantasy of just plowing through (pun intended…) everything in your way can happen easily.
Players looking for a more challenging game might be disappointed in that fact. However, there are several optional hidden bosses scattered throughout the game that are far harder than what can be found on the main path—for those that think Lenga’s given a bit too much firepower along his journey, these optional fights are tailor made just for them.
Great if you can forgive the imposter syndrome
You can make a valid critique of the game’s big and empty empty areas, particularly near the beginning. Large parts of each map are built around mobility powerups Lenga receives not terribly far into the game. Objectively, it probably wasn’t a great idea to make the entrance area feel so open when it’s your first impression of the game world, but once Lenga beats the game’s first proper boss and start zooming around levels, I doubt many players will really be thinking about this.
The OST is fine, which probably sounds like an insult when the series its mimicking has some of the greatest songs in the history of gaming. You’re not going to find anything to stand up to “Vampire Killer,” I’m afraid. But if you ignore the fact that Paradiso Guardian had an impossible standard to live up to, the opening church-organ dominated rock song is a great nod to the Castlevania influences, and the game’s jazzy boss themes are positively infectious—so much so that it’s kind of a shame the rest of the soundtrack is so… inoffensive and safe in comparison.
Pictured above: a twink given entirely too much power.
Lost in translation (and in currency exchange)
There’s a lot of incredible accomplishment in terms of scope, especially given there really isn’t another “gay Castlevania” that this reviewer is aware of on the market. Still, depending upon where you are in the world, you may find the overall price of what is, reductively, a fluffy porn game to be a turn off. The game launched in the US at $29.99, and inexplicably launched even higher in places like Canada (CDN 51.99) and Switzerland. (CHF 44.50) While this is a game chock full of exceptional pixel art work, talented voice acting, and an absolutely astounding amount of stuff to uncover, it is also still a porn parody game, no matter how fun it is to play.
Complicating matters is the fact that the English translation of the game launched in a fairly abysmal state. To the credit of the developers, the game has received almost daily patches to address this, and many of the ESL-isms of the translation are more charming than not (the advantage of being a porn parody game, I suppose!) but it is absolutely worth noting to potential buyers that you can, and will, run into descriptions and dialogue that are far, far from natural sounding.
All in all, Lenga’s an insatiable club-twink living a supernatural power bottom fantasy the likes of which you can’t find in most other places on Steam. If this is Team Lv. 266’s entry into non-visual novel games, one can only imagine what they can do from here. This is an incredible debut that should, Twink Heaven willing, lead to a even stronger followup.
Pros
- Surprisingly engaging game-play with far more polish one would expect of the gay porn genre
- Huge map and treasure trove of secrets one comes to expect from a ‘vania style game
- Gorgeous sprite work worth the price of entry alone
- A quick-to-reply indie developer that adjusted several reported bugs immediately
- Shop/inventory system makes power leveling fun to tinker with
- Movement options make the game fun to move around in, and practically begs for speed runs
- Just an absolute heap of muscle bosses waiting for you to pulverize them (And some of them like it!)
- Apparently, bara boys make up the front lines in Heaven
- Delightful personality and humor, despite some translation issues
Cons
- Most consumers will not be happy with the price tag
- Regrettably poor translations at launch that confused many players
- The distance and timing requirements for Lenga’s dodge feel far too forgiving, and in more hectic situations in the game, it’s to a fault
- Hit-or-miss OST (That boss theme is incredible, though)
- Big, empty areas and sometimes bland background art may be a quick turn off at the beginning of the game
Overall score: 66/100
