Uber Horny: The Horny Man’s Guide to Getting Laid in Los Angeles

The pandemic is well under control here in Sunny California. My Scruff grid is full of vax puns, and Gilead is practically giving PreP away at gas stations. Who doesn’t love a summer pump n dump? 

This means the time-honored tradition of Ubering to a stranger’s house for raw sex is back in full swing. But with prices seemingly higher than ever and wait times stretching into “Should I douche again?” territory, one has to be more discerning. In other words, that ass better be fatter than Aretha Franklin’s arm if I’m gonna cross the 405.

Below is a comprehensive list of what kind of guys I’m willing to Uber XL for. Welcome to my one-man show: A Skeetcar Named Desire.

Up to $45 in total Uber cost: Willing to go to north Pasadena during rush hour
A classic scenario for me is this gentleman. He’s got thick thighs, a full beard, and a present bulge. This screams flip fuck of the century, a rock and roll good time for the hole family.

I probably wouldn’t even look at the price. I’d probably give serious consideration to going to the west side, and I wouldn’t go there if you told me my dad had been reincarnated at the Beverly Hilton.

$20 in total Uber cost: Must be able to host, no elevator or stairs
Now listen. I’ve enjoyed Markus Kage’s work many a lonely night, but when a tattooed wolf bear messages me, it tends to end with a swap of nudes, 10-12 horny messages, a tacit plan to meet “next week,” and then maybe a stray woof months later.

I think I just want them to top (because tattoos), but they’re always ass up and cum hungry. It’s a stale, mate. 

$28 total Uber cost: Off peak hours only; nothing west of Netflix HQ; roommate preferred…
…Because I want them to hear!

What can I say about Cooper Dang? I simply would like to wear him out over 16 to 22 minutes, kiss him deeply, and vanish into the night. This is the type of guy where we immediately have an understanding: You’re here for the big dick with minimal talking or lead up. I’m here for the bubble butt and subtle definition slash effortless tone. 

$33 total Uber cost: Must be late at night, but would be willing to go to North Hollywood and take the train back home
Straight up getting fucked for this fare, and the late-night stipulation is there because I like to sit with a plug in in the Uber, and hate waiting in traffic while passively stretching. Is this romance?

This amount is higher than I want to pay, if only because with douching time, travel, and what I imagine will be very exhaustive foreplay because it’s late and he thinks we have time (this will include me blowing him for too long, and extras like spit play and fingering me despite me going “ouch” every time he shoves one in). But the absolute decimation I’ll be getting is worth the ramen I’ll be force-feeding myself the rest of the week. I would do just about anything he asked. Gotta make that silent ride in a pee-stained Prius worth it. 

Within walking distance: I’m not going (but it’s not a no)
I’’ll be annoyed if you lead with no photo, but I have absolutely had my world rocked by some invisible men. Typically the first photo one of these dudes sends you looks like Waluigi doing tina on Hollywood Boulevard, but sometimes you’ll get a real hot potato. 

The risk of murder / dismemberment is higher, and I couldn’t possibly deal with the shame of having paid to get taxidermied by Jeffrey Dahmer: The New Class. Not to mention the media attention my Uber driver would undoubtedly get for being the last person to see me alive. I want that attention squarely on me. I’ll be strolling to my grave, thank you very much.