What the Fuck. Literally.

What happens when you post literal readings of porn scenes like an overly ambitious film student?

Actors are always being applauded for being brave enough to play unsympathetic characters—Charlize Theron got an Oscar for playing Aileen Wuornos (and getting ugly for it)—and there’s usually some form of, “They really don’t ask the audience for sympathy” in the compliment. Which roughly translates to, “They’re not afraid of the audience confusing the role with themselves.” And you wonder, who is so literal-minded that they think Charlize Theron is actually a serial killer?

I think I found one.

Str8UpGayPorn is a lot of things, but perhaps most noticeable is its absolute insistence on taking every single porn scene literally. You couldn’t have a pizza delivery guy getting his dick out in the middle of his route without blogger Zach Sire worriedly writing about the waiting customers whose pizzas are now delayed and maybe cold. What if a fun date night is now ruined by this unprofessional pizza guy? What if a child had to go to bed hungry because his Hawaiian pizza never came, because the delivery guy was cumming instead? (Although anyone who orders a Hawaiian pizza deserves to go to bed hungry.)

The post that always comes to mind when I contemplate the state of porn journalism is Sire’s update last fall about a Man Up Films release. Please remember that the tagline for Man Up Films is “films with men getting weird,” so one shouldn’t be overly surprised that psychiatrist Lance Hart puts patient Collin Simpson under hypnosis and has sex with him. Sire mentions the violation of ethical codes and oaths before bringing up fucking, which tells you something about Sire’s mind. He ponders the question of consent (quick reminder that these are actors), questions whether Collin will need additional therapy now that he’s come out of a trance balls deep in a man, and then conjures the specter of Donald Trump to cap it all off.

Just in case you were worried you’d cum too fast.

But oddly, he makes no mention of Dr. Hart’s wedding ring. Seems like a real missed opportunity for him to sermonize on the supposed immorality of cheating. As for me, I’m worried that maybe Sire is right and all porn is actually documentary. Nah. Talking heads in documentaries don’t have this many abs.

Sire was right about one thing, though: Collin did need more therapy, and went back to Dr. Hart again.)

The Gay Goods is dedicated to engaging with a range of opinions and viewpoints. To share yours, email editor@thegaygoods.com or comment below.

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply