Twitter was in a frenzy November 19. Twitter is always in a frenzy, but this particular frenzy seemed more frenzied than usual. During a press conference held by Rudy Giuliani (an older gentleman who is indulged by his caretakers to prevent a complete nervous collapse), trickles of what at first seemed to be brain matter appeared on either side of his face. Further inspection resulted in the deduction that brain matter is the last thing that would be trickling from Mr. Giuliani’s head; this was just cheap hair dye.
“And I’d do it again,” Mr. Giuliani’s at-home hair dresser, Clyde von Bulow, said in an exclusive interview. “I’ve done that man’s ‘hair’—and I use that word loosely—for the last 10 years, and he called me ‘nancy’ for the last time this morning, Mary.”
During the preparations for the press conference, at which Mr. Giuliani allegedly spoke about the 2020 election but which no one can confirm because they were all busy whispering to one another about the brown streaks on his face, Mr. Giuiliani got upset with Mr. von Bulow’s “effeminate” mannerisms and told him to, “Cut the crap, Nancy.”
“Mr. Giuliani was simply overwhelmed by a feeling of patriotism today, and thought that the very slim Mr. von Bulow was his dear departed friend, Nancy Reagan,” a spokesman for Mr. Giuliani said.
“I do look great in red, but I don’t care if he thought I was Michelle Obama—I’m not doing Rudina’s hair anymore,” Mr. von Bulow snapped. “So yes, when it came time for him to head out to the Republican National Committee to say his little speech, I told him to wait right there, missy, and I gave those wisps he calls hair a quick rinse. She’s a sweaty Susan, so I knew it wouldn’t take long before she did a Wicked Witch of the West melting act. But like Carly Simon once sang, ‘Let the river run.’ Let the motherfucking river run, bitches!”
